We enter into the experience of parenthood with many different expectations. We want our children to grow up and become successful, rich, fulfilled, passionate, great parents, etc. We want to envision ourselves grow into the perfect grandparent; the archetypal example of proud parental perfection that sprouted such abundance from our loins!
And then many times our kids diverge from the path we envisioned for them. They might not get the career path we hoped, they might start experiencing with drugs, they might get too ambitious - or not ambitious enough, they might get to be parents "too early or too late" for our calculations to work, they might run into emotional difficulties, they might choose a different faith or political persuasion than the one we endorse, or worst of all, they might cut us off and tell us that they do not want us in their life anymore.
We sit back and think:
- I started out feeding them, schlepping them around, being their literal sustenance.
- I became the all seeing eyes and all hearing ears that protected them against bruises and bumps during toddler hood.
- I chose which schools they should attend, made lunches and supervised homework
- I helped them develop good study habits, make "good choices", helped them "say no to drugs"
- I drove them to and from sports, dances, plays, performances, science fairs, field trips...
- I fought/negotiated with them over bed time, home work, curfews
- I allowed my heart to be broken every time they got their heart broken
- I put my own needs aside and always thought of theirs first
- If only I had.... then maybe.....
- Etc.etc.
So obviously for us if you look at your children from a "profit and loss" stand point... this parenting thing makes very little sense. We put MUCH, much more into the "investment" than we are ever able to recover. If we were to look at parenting rationally, it is hard work and it costs us tons of time, heartache and money. Period!
I know... parenting is not a sensible investment or a rational act even. It is the entry point into the most basic shared human experience: The mystery of procreation. Parenting allows participation in the highest highs and the lowest lows we will ever experience. Parenting is at its core a deeply emotional, life-altering, stunning and deeply irrational experience! It can be the most giving, beautiful, emotionally satisfying experience of our lives. And it can bring a sense of joy, fulfillment and pride nothing else can! No doubt about it.
But once we acknowledge the irrational and highly emotional and subjective aspect of parenthood, then it might also be beneficial to realize that when we apply logical and rational measures and start expecting certain things from our grown children, we are really violating the most basic rule of parenthood: We violate the terms of the agreement when we expect to make our energy/time/money investment bear the fruit we expected of it. Parenting is more like an investment in the Greek economy than in Apple Computers: It doesn't make rational sense! Our kids do what our kids do. They are who they are and there is nothing we can do about it! This might ultimately be more cause for celebration than for worry, once we let go of our expectations and beliefs that we know what is best for them.
Now here is the important part:
- How can you start enjoying your current role as parent of adult children more?
- How can you allow your grown children to find their own way without feeling you are to blame/be credited?
- How can you enjoy your grown kids for who they are and not who you thought they would be?
Thank you for the gentle reminder. Having just returned from Guatemala with Rhiannon, I am sitting with the realization that our experiences there, while shared, were very different and will result in different actions and choices in our respective lives. We had a wonderful time being surprised and delighted and overwhelmed and confused and enlightened together, but we do have different perspectives and different needs that were met by our travels. She's 26; I've only just begun to truly "Let go..."
ReplyDeleteHey you! Thank you so much for commenting here versus on facebook! I appreciate the feedback. Letting go can be a life long and gradual process. Once we understand this perspective though, it might get easier to not over-identify with each other's perspectives and experiences. Here's to joyful celebration of all you are and all she is. Where you align and where you cross! It is all part of the intricate weave.
DeleteHi Marie,
DeleteCongratulations for your graduation. I wish you will have a long and sucessful career.
I agree with you that we should not look at parenting as an investment and we should not expect anything in return. We should however, never understimate the power of love that brings parents and their children together, even when the bound seems to gradually fall apart, when we all take different roads due to adulthood or other natural causes through happy and unhappy causeways.
However, as part of my studies on communication and human resource, I have done research on teenagers and recently I found out that scientists could actually prove that even though by law, the authorities are considering our children adults at an early age (convenient for governments as they don't have to protect them all the way through their teenage years), it doesn't mean that they are totally adults. According a research from the National Institute of Health," the PREFRONTAL CORTEX, a region of the brain associated with inhibition of risky behaviour, doesn't get fully developed until the age of 25". Their hormones may also be responsible for the heightened emotions. (source: http://edition.cnn.com/2011/10/19/health/mental-health/teen-brain-impulses/index.html).
Well, one is free to believe or reject science in matters of parenthood, as there is no perfect guide and even the brightest mum or dad, will never be sure that he or she is going to do the right thing. I have not even tried to be a perfect mother, but I also believe in mother instinct and the sixth sense that we all have, some more than others and I do listen to them, knowing that it will not prevent my children to suffer because of their choices (right or wrong), but motherhood is the kind of job with no fixed time to be done, therefore, I am always available.
As this is an open space, and I am thankful for you sharing your wisdom, I would like to share with you a very personal experience:
As a young teenager my daughter would always try to do things totally different than what I thought was good for her in a clear way to establish her own need to follow her on path and make her own discoveries, which I do respect. Nevertheless, I have always made it clear that whenever she was tired to take decisions alone, I would always be there for her.
Now, that she is 23, she surprises me, taking chances and doing the right thing even though I didn't force her into doing it, I just gave an unwanted and unrequested advice once, reminding her that whatever she did, good and bad it had to be her own choice and she would be the only one to face the consequences of it.
My son and I, we have strong personalities, but we do know what is going on in each other's lives, even though I know he is already an adult.We learn things from each other every day.
I never strived to be a perfect parent, but I have promised myself that whenever they needed me I would be there to help them. I have also learnt by trial and errors that even though our youth are proud to be rebels, there is a strange connection between parents and children that one cannot avoid and even when the parents are no longer present, and even when the parents are silent, we listen to each other voices.
From my own experience, as a daughter and as a mother, I have learnt that we should never give up on telling our children what we think is right or wrong, one day they will be thankful that you never gave up on them. As Carol Buchner once said, “They may forget what you said but they will never forget how you made them feel.”
Thank you for sharing your knowledge,I hope many mothers, fathers and children will read your blog, sometimes all we need is to see that our parents are vulnerable but we do have this extreme capacity to sense when they need us but also the ability to forgive them, and we should never stop saying that we care for them, and we want them to care more about their character than about their clothes, no matter what.
Sincerely,
Eliana