On problems, prep-work and painting...

   

  In the past I have tried painting the walls and the trim of my house. I would buy test paint, test it, select a color, buy the paint, the brushes, the rollers, the masking tape, the masking paper - move a few things out of the way and start painting! It worked beautifully for the first few minutes as I was rejoicing at the new color going up on my walls. Then invariably paint would spray on the floor in a place where I hadn't covered adequately. Down the ladder I would go to get a rag and water - mop it up... now there was a stain on the carpet. Then I would discover I had gotten the paint on the trim, the line between the ceiling and the wall was sloppy, my arms hurt, my back was killing me.... and I would have an end result that I was very unhappy with.

  During the last two re-models of our house I have been blessed to work with a team of painters that are state of the art. And every time it has annoyed me to no end how long they take getting going. I mean they move everything completely out of the house, put up masking tape, masking paper, plastic sheets, more paper, more plastic..... and finally after what seems like days of this, they finally get the paint out of the truck where it has been hiding. And before I know it they are done. And the result is flawlessly beautiful. Amazing. When you compare to the slop-job I was able to produce.

     And so I have realized that their amazing prep-job, the painstaking attention to detail before they even start, is what allows them the results that I was unable to get with my more hap-hazard methods!

     It is really like that when we decide to have a conversation with our boss/co-worker or someone in our family too. If we do not accurately assess the scope of the situation, we are likely to arrive at a half-mended, sloppy result. If we just jump into the conversation without really having thought about the scope of the issue, we are likely to have unfinished business, misunderstandings - virtual sloppy lines and messy floors!

     So the prep-work to having a meaningful and productive meeting/conversation can make all the difference. Sometimes without this prep work we end up talking about a situation from a much too superficial and one-sided perspective. We miss what might be at the core of the issue. And so we might have the "same conversation" over and over again without ever really getting it resolved.

Here are a couple of prep-work questions you might ask yourself in advance of your next important conversation. Questions like:

1. What is it that I really do not want to talk about/bring up?
2. What is really at the core of this issue?
3. What is my ideal outcome?
4. What is the other person(s)' ideal outcome?
5. How can we establish a win-win conversation?
6. What is our mutual benefit of finding a solution?

On the other side of such a conversation, might be the feeling of clarification and resolve you were hoping for. Just adequately defining what the problem is - could make all the difference.

Grass Always Greener Where?

     You know these people: There is never anything good about the situation in which they happen to be in presently. It will always be better when......or it would be better if only.... or they can't wait until.......They move around in their life looking either forward to things or reminiscing over events from the past. They exist in a space in constant oscillation between nostalgia for lost times and impatience about things to come!

     They move from relationship to relationship, from job to job, from place to place - and there is always something wrong that makes the "old times" appear idyllic - or a look forward to when things will be improved. They say things like: "I can't wait until I retire",  "I hate my job", "things were better in the old days", "people were smarter/better back when".

     And they find themselves stuck in this rat-race of present day reality. And since they are ever looking forward or backward - they find that this very moment is passing them by. And lo and behold a decade later they look back at how things were right now - and find it to be so much better than how things became. Retirement was not at all all it was cracked up to be, the next job or relationship was actually "worse", the town they moved to was either too big or too small - and disillusionment invariably sets in again and again.

     Recognize this? Well, I do believe we all have this tendency in our thought process from time to time. And without fail it is a sign to stop up and smell the roses - to realize that fantasizing about the past or longing for the future is not living. What once was and what is to come is merely memories or projections.

     So next time you encounter a "grass is always greener on the other side" person, or you find that tendency in yourself, just stop and notice that you are doing it. "I am now living in the past or the future". Then take a look at how you might be able to switch into action mode. What incentives can you do to bring your energy into the present moment? What is it about the past or what hope about the future is it that you miss in your current situation? How can you start bringing these lacking elements right into your present day reality? What is right about where you are at this very moment? And what can you do to change it to make it even better? What step(s) can you take right now?

     Before you know it you might find that instead of walking around looking over the fences of time to the pastures of past and future, you start watering the grass under your feet here and now. And who knows - the color green might be there right under your own feet!

Beepers, Bleep'ers and Blinkers

   

So we are in Paris a few summers ago and about to leave our quaint hotel in Montmartre to drive down to the French Riviera. I have rented a car and need to pull over in the tiny side street where there is no room to park - no room to pull over so we can load our luggage into the trunk. I call Walter, my darling husband, and tell him to bring our three boys, the luggage and himself down into the lobby - and I will just pull over and we can throw the luggage in and go. He states that he has scoped out a place for me to pull over though - and this will allow us more time to organize the trunk... Fine...

      I drive up the little one-way street - and husband is standing there directing me into this space between two metal poles and a giant dumpster. I am not exactly the queen of parallel parking... so I attempt it by going "head first" into the space. And the result is that the back of the car sticks out, blocking the road and the traffic behind me. Hubby runs to my rescue. We already have a line of cars behind me... And not only are they behind me - they are ALL the way up behind me. Hubby jumps in - I have turned on the emergency blinkers and he tells me he will handle it. Well, he finds a French stick shift Renault (that had seen better days) - and nothing is intuitive or where you'd expect with regards to the controls. Especially not where reverse might be on this stick. He yells to me: "How do I get this piece of sh.. into reverse?" I explain it the best I know how - and lo and behold - he manages to get it into reverse. Ready to back up- but... he finds he is completely blocked in by the cars that are now beeping - incessantly - deafening behind him... He cannot back up - he is stuck.... At this point the kids and I disappear into the lobby of the hotel - petrified.... Peeking out behind the lace curtains I overhear the father of my children as he is getting out of the car gesticulating wildly: "I GOTTA BACK UP" (New Jersey accent always finds a happy return to Walter's language, when he is under stress - as does the wild gestures...). The drivers in the cars behind him are revving their engines and beeping even louder. I seem to become instantly psychic as I think I hear the inner dialogue in the French cars:"américains stupides..." However, it seems lost on them that my husband cannot move out of their way as long as they keep fencing him in. His Jersey logic about needing to back up...  was lost on the Parisians.... I guess in Paris you have gear that allows levitation? So they beep ever louder... At this point the kids and I are practically hiding - trying to stay completely invisible, as the clerk behind the desk is starting to find the scene outside entertaining and is curiously watching....
     Walter finally snaps... he leaves our car completely and runs up to the first car that has planted its headlights right at the beatup back bumper of of our pale yellow rental Renault.... he walks to the driver's side of the first car, and screams at the heavyhanded beeping driver with sweeping hand gestures letting it be known that this is meant for all in the line who are beeping: "Well, F... YOU!!!" The kids and I in the lobby look at each other, and in one terrifying moment we see the headlines from the next morning's paper flashing before our eyes: "American loud-mouth lynched in Paris!" And then our oldest son starts laughing uncontrolably.... Our youngest chimes in - and soon all four of us are laughing out of control... The absurdity of the situation combined with the absolute fear of death - laughter seems to be the only way to deal....
     And much to our surprise - suddenly the beeping in the street outside stops - the cars collectively back up just enough to allow Walter to get out and the lynching is averted! Walter is last seen turning the corner with the "tail" of Parisian cars at a respectful distance behind him. And then there is silence.... The kids and I have tears coming down our cheeks from laughter - but after 10 minutes have passed - we start to worry. Where is our beat up pale yellow Renault, with the steaming New Jerseyite in it? Where is the love of my life...?? He was supposed to just circle around the little system of one-way streets and end up coming back to our hotel... At this point new headlines start to appear in my consciousness: "Lonely and Lost American Crashes into the Eiffel Tower".
     After about 15 minutes we see him turn the corner of our little street and come up towards us. The emergency blinkers are still going - and he also accidentally has turned on the windshield wipers in his fogged up state - and unable to know what he had done - they are going at warp speed. Or maybe it is his attempt at levitating the car?
     Anyway, as he pulls up - we throw our suitcases in, the kids jump in and away we go with me reading simultaneously from maps of Paris as well as the manual of the car to figure out how to turn all of this blinking and wiping off - it is a clear, sunny day after all...

     In all of its chaotic frenzy - it is one of our favorite memories as a family. We still laugh heartily when we think of it. And it is a standing joke among us when we have to back up out of parking spaces - "I GOTTA BACK UP"  

     I guess in vacations as in life you plan and try to make everything go smooth. And then something completely unexpected happens that throws all plans away and scares you! And sometimes this very unexpected and terrifying event becomes the best memory of all, as you handled it, managed to survive and find your way through the one-way road system -  beepers, bleep'ers, blinkers, wipers  and all!

The Merry Shopping Season

    

      We eat ourselves into a coma gorging on as much food as we can stuff in our bellies on Thanksgiving and then rush out before dawn and try to stuff our shopping carts with more stuff... Stuff, stuff, stuff... Are we happier after all that food? Does the rush to consume make us feel whole and satisfied?

     T'is the season to be jolly - and what exactly is it that makes us happy? Often we revert to the "shoulds" and "have to's" at this time of year. We rush around because we have to "get everything done".
Christmas and the Holiday Season - what does it really mean to you?

     I encourage you to make a list of what means the most to you at this time of year. What are your favorite memories of all time? What went into those memories? Was it stuff or was it people? Was it donating time in a soup kitchen and seeing the thankful faces that brought the most joy - or was  buying gifts for others? Was it receiving gifts? Was it thinking up thoughtful gifts from the heart or was it stampeding to get the best and cheapest deal of the year? Was it making decorations with others, or was it hearing all the compliments from others? Was it doing the complimenting that felt the best? What was it? It might be eye-opening to also sit down with your family and make a list of such favorite moments together. What is important to them? What is it that makes you all feel special at this time of year?

     Whatever has been the most meaningful for you and your family could lead you around the "shoulds" and the "have-to's". If you and your family love giving and receiving presents - great! Make that the most meaningful and joyous event possible. How can you increase the enjoyment? How can you make "games" or "rituals" that prolong the unwrapping and helps everybody delight in others' presents as well as their own? Or how can you celebrate the love expressed in each gift? How can togetherness around playing with a toy, lighting candles, watching a movie or reading aloud be incorporated? What might be a new special thing to do together?

     Maybe we sometimes think that we can buy, bake, eat, or decorate ourselves happy. And maybe that is part of the equation. There might be amazing joy to be found also in just being with others. Truly appreciating them. Giving them the gift of your undivided attention. Whether that person is in a homeless shelter or it is your spouse, child, mother or friend!
     What would it take for you to get through this season joyfully and feeling alive rather than being weighed down by it and feeling "put upon"?

     Here's to a Merry Conscious and Aware Holiday Season!

E-mail by Invitation Only

    

      Lately I have been traveling a lot. As I am using a tablet PC for my travels, I often do not empty my e-mail account for the duration of my travel. And so within a couple of days it reaches its limit! Every company, every campaign, every charity, every travel organization, every cause and every entertainment outlet I have ever been in contact with has automatically added me to their e-mail blast lists. And it finally reached unbearable proportions. I was drowing in requests for my participation! I was suffocating in attempts to get my attention. My e-mail inbox was shouting at me with requests: Sign this petition, buy this product, eat this and thrive, etc. And I do have overactive spam filters and still I was barraged!

     It struck me that this is a perfect analogy of the information-rich reality we live in. We have every opportunity for being of service (or being serviced) every second of every day! And I realized that even when I quickly deleted the e-mails, their messages somehow penetrated my defenses and made me have thoughts along the lines of:  "Well, I could do that - or I should do this...or maybe I ought to buy this or do this?" In other words this onslaught of requests was little by little draining my energy and taking some time out of every day to:

1. Erase dozens of e-mails
2. Dealing with not doing or actually doing what they were asking of me.

     I felt powerless over the e-mail monster that had taken occupancy in my inbox! It was zapping certain amounts of energy of me every day!

     So today I have systematically opened each bulk e-mail that came to me and whether it is a cause dear to my heart or not, I have scrolled down to the bottom of the e-mail and found the little blurry link that says: Click here to unsubscribe..  And I have!

     From now on I feel in charge of what cause I support or what product I want to buy and when! I am in control over which e-mail I allow into my inbox! Just as I live in charge of who I let into my house, my life and my friendship circle - now my e-mail inbox is by invitation only!!! And it feels great! I recommend it wholeheartedly!!!

   

    

    

Are you Living Large?

    

 I get a lot of questions about the name of my blog and my business: Larger Than Life.... And yes, really that is what so much of our time here on earth is about - living as large, living as fully as at all possible.

 
To live large can be to live in a way that allows us to connect to all aspects of our being. Our intellect, our spirituality, our emotions and our body.  All aspects of us work together in a conscious way to maximize precisely the kind of results we want. It is not about "having" or "doing"... it is about "being"!

     Many of us get "stuck" in one or several of  aspects of ourself, and have a hard time integrating all we are into the equation. This is often founded in a need to judge. We judge ourselves - and then start judging others.

     A fundamental change happens when we become more aware of our own need to judge. We discover that many times our need to judge are really because we are limiting ourselves. So as we become conscious, in just this one area of our lives, we discover that some of our judgment is a direct result of stuff we really wanted to have/do/say ourselves but we at some point stopped ourselves from having. We think along the lines of:

"No that is not for me."
"No, I can't say/do/feel like her or him."
"That is for others to do."
"I could NEVER do that"

     We live in a state of "wanting it" but at the same time prohibit ourselves from "getting it". And then we start projecting our own state of "lacking it" onto others and judge them for "having it!"

     As we discover our own need to judge others, we are often surprised to find how much of this need is founded in a limiting belief that we have to keep ourselves from being who we really are! We are not talking envy here! No, this is how we systematically play small and project our need for greatness onto others, because we believe we are not "all that!"

     So how can you live a little larger today?
     Enjoy the journey!
    
    

Shift Happens!

     Sometimes it happens! We are all set to embrace a certain direction in our life and then it happens: BLAM!!! A door shuts right in our face as we were ready to walk through it!

  .... Shift happens!

     So what to do? We can cry and wail. We can stare ourselves blind on the door that closed. We can look at it until we are blue in the face and completely drained of our life force. We can view ourselves as victims, who were "put upon" by a cruel fate. This is a pessimistic reaction.

     You might know that the difference between an optimist and a pessimist is not their assessment of the facts? It is that the optimist sees and creates an action plan where the pessimist sees him or herself without options for action.

     An optimist chooses to respond to the situation. "I cannot control what happens to me, but I can control how I choose to respond!"

     Next time a door slams in your face, after you deal with the immediate surprise or shock, you can choose to look around. You can choose not to just focus on what is no longer possible!

      It is true that every time access is closed in one direction, ten other options might be ready to open. But you have to not stare yourself blind on the one that is no more! Instead look around and see what light might be ready to stream in through the windows, if you just lift the curtains.

     By choosing to respond like this you discover that there are other doors, other opportunities for you to explore. And yes indeed, they might be leading to paths you never even dreamed of!

     Here's to an empowered, optimistic day!