About "Foot-From-Mouth" Removal

“Excuse me while I remove my foot from my mouth”…  This sentence has come to mind many times in my life. I am a veritable master at saying the right thing at the wrong time. Or to stumble into a situation where I say something that makes people look at me like I might as well have been wearing a polka dot purple pony suit!  And the feeling in my stomach – well it is like a butter churn takes up residence in there and started churning! I am also the very fortunate owner of skin that gets flushed bright red on such occasions. So not only do I now stand out by my actions or my words – I am now also beaming in glowing red from my crown to my neck. Real inconspicuous, right?
..... my blog has moved - please go here and read the rest. I have just put up an easy "follow" button for your convenience. I would love to keep reaching you....
Marie

Why Death Doesn't Scare Me (It might not be what you think)!

Hello all,
I have moved my blog to Wordpress, which is much more user friendly for us all. I hope you will go there and follow my blog. This latest posting comes from the depths of my being. Click here to view it.
Much love,
Marie

"The Bullshit Quotient is Constant!"

I said this "charming" remark to my husband the other day, as a difficult situation in our lives had just been resolved only to be immediately followed by another potential challenge.

There is rarely a day that goes by where we humans do not experience some form of grief, sadness, loss, irritation, stress or anger. This is part of life. As a matter of fact, if you were to go for extended periods of time without experiencing any of the above emotions, you might have to check to see if you were still among the living.

Thankfully, the "Blessings Quotient" is also constant!

We often forget that! Often when something difficult happens, there is a flip side containing blessings of some sort. It might take days, years or even a lifetime to find the blessing that came out of a painful experience, but when we look back, we can typically find it there. The challenges and the learning opportunities often co-exist, and in the end are what create the intricate beauty and complexity that make up who we are. Compassion can be born out of pain. Feeling of togetherness and community might be a side-effect experienced from a loss. Appreciation for life might be born out of a brush with death, etc.


There are times to fully experience sorrow, grief, fear. These are emotions that are human, and as necessary for our emotional health as their opposites. To allow them in and allow the experience can be a crucial step towards healing; to just allow it to be so - and to allow it to stop us in our tracks for the time being.

When the healing is underway, it is likewise important to also understand that the difficult emotions do not define us. Just because we experienced them, they are not us. We experienced grief, but we are not grief, and do not have to see ourselves as victims. We experienced fear, but we do not have to be paralyzed, etc.

 What matters is what we take it to mean. So many times we allow the difficult and painful experiences to define who we are. We cower in shame, we hide in self-pity, we explain away why we are not capable. When this becomes a repeated pattern for how we conduct the business of living our life - it defines us. We become weighed down by shame, guilt, feeling of low self-esteem.

 How we allow our old thought and reaction patterns to inform our actions is ultimately of utmost importance. It is possible to learn, to various degrees, how to allow a new outlook, a new understanding, or a new commitment to re-frame and re-discover who we really are at our core. At our core we are all powerful, flexible, passionate and wise. When we learn to strip away what Don Miguel Ruiz calls our "domesticated layers" (all the "shoulds", "have to's", assumptions and limiting beliefs) we have accumulated through our lives and that might not serve us anymore, we can contact this inner core of strength and wisdom. It is also where we can start to hear the dialogue between this inner knowledge and the outer/spiritual guidance more clearly.

And this is where the magic starts to happen and our lives feel lighter and easier to live - no matter what happens to us. Because once we learn how to access this inner core and outer guidance on a regular basis, we are also able to move through the difficult things that happens in our lives with grace. Like a downhill slalom race, we move in and out of the curves and the obstacles. We do not just sit down and sink in up to over our heads - at least not permanently!  The flags and obstacles are seen as markers for our journey and we do not let them stop us or hinder our forward motion. This way, when we do fall from time to time, we reassess the curve and get back up and keep on moving. We love the left turns as much as the right turns.What matters is simply how we manage to move through them, allowing them to shape our path in the most intricate and beautiful pattern.

Here's to happy skiing! Between B.S. and Blessings with Grace!

What Kind of Energy do You Have?

"What do you mean by "energy?"

A client asked me this the other day. So I returned the question back to him.

"What does your energy mean to you?"

We know what it is like when our energy is low, right? Then we feel sluggish and tired. We might reach for an external aid such as a drink heavy on caffeine and sugar. Or start looking into healthier eating choices, a new vitamin regimen or even expensive treatments. "High-energy" can likewise be seen as an unwanted state of being where associations of machine-gun mouth, hyper-activity and super-animation comes to mind.

Our energy is all around us and in us, yet in many ways it might seem to be a diffuse quality; difficult to harness or assess and certainly not tangible.

How is "your energy"? Do you have "great energy" about you and a high level of engagement? Or are you someone who feels constantly drained of energy who struggle to complete tasks and procrastinates? How does having your personal energtic make-up play into your level of success in generating what you want in life? How does it impact your level of productivity? What would be different for you, if you could know exactly how to use your energy most efficiently?

One of the things I have loved studying lately is this very issue. To learn to gauge and direct my own energy - and to help others identify and improve on theirs. The term "Energy" used in this way encompasses every thought, emotion and action that we employ in our lives. And this is far beyond mere "positive thinking". It is about understanding that we can be conscious and deliberate about our choices or choose to let our circumstances rule and regulate us. It is about being able to harness the incredible power in the interplay between our energy and our level of engagement. Engagement in projects. In work. In play. In life!

Now there are things we cannot choose of course. The sky is blue or it is raining.... We can't always choose what happens around us, but we can choose how we respond to it, what it means to us and thereby also have an impact on the outcome. However, if our energy is mired in subconscious gunk from the past and we are steeped in reactive and unconscious thought patterns, we will often react in ways that are counter-productive to the outcome we really want. We might also find ourselves "running on empty" and find that we choose to point the finger at our circumstances or someone else, rather than seeing what we can do about it.

When you find yourself curious about your own energy - let me know. I have an amazing, quick and inexpensive assessment tool to help you assess your own energy. It will clearly show you what kind of energy you have! How would it be for you to see your own energetic profile charted out in black and white? What might it mean to you to realize exactly what might be holding you back?

Send me an e-mail - and I will fill you in! This assessment can be done in about 20 minutes of your time on your computer.

"I'm sorry. I'm not what you wanted."

     We enter into the experience of parenthood with many different expectations. We want our children to grow up and become successful, rich, fulfilled, passionate, great parents, etc. We want to envision ourselves grow into the perfect grandparent; the archetypal example of proud parental perfection that sprouted such abundance from our loins!
     And then many times our kids diverge from the path we envisioned for them. They might not get the career path we hoped, they might start experiencing with drugs, they might get too ambitious - or not ambitious enough, they might get to be parents "too early or too late" for our calculations to work, they might run into emotional difficulties, they might choose a different faith or political persuasion than the one we endorse, or worst of all, they might cut us off and tell us that they do not want us in their life anymore.

     We sit back and think:

• I started out feeding them, schlepping them around, being their literal sustenance.
• I became the all seeing eyes and all hearing ears that protected them against bruises and bumps during toddler hood.
• I chose which schools they should attend, made lunches and supervised homework
• I helped them develop good study habits, make "good choices", helped them "say no to drugs"
• I drove them to and from sports, dances, plays, performances, science fairs, field trips...
• I fought/negotiated with them over bed time, home work, curfews
• I allowed my heart to be broken every time they got their heart broken
• I put my own needs aside and always thought of theirs first
• If only I had.... then maybe.....
• Etc.etc.

     Parenthood is a litany of to-do lists, nagging doubts and  endless investments in our children's lives. We start out as parental protectors and watch our role merge into field guides in the later teen years. By the time our kids move away, our role has diminished to that of simply antiquated "has been" or at best well-meaning old beloved friend.

     So obviously for us if you look at your children from a "profit and loss" stand point... this parenting thing makes very little sense. We put MUCH, much more into the "investment" than we are ever able to recover. If we were to look at parenting rationally, it is hard work and it costs us tons of time, heartache and money. Period!

     I know... parenting is not a sensible investment or a rational act even. It is the entry point into the most basic shared human experience: The mystery of procreation. Parenting allows participation in the highest highs and the lowest lows we will ever experience. Parenting is at its core a deeply emotional, life-altering, stunning and deeply irrational experience! It can be the most giving, beautiful, emotionally satisfying experience of our lives. And it can bring a sense of joy, fulfillment and pride nothing else can! No doubt about it.

     But once we acknowledge the irrational and highly emotional and subjective aspect of parenthood, then it might also be beneficial to realize that when we apply logical and rational measures and start expecting certain things from our grown children, we are really violating the most basic rule of parenthood: We violate the terms of the agreement when we expect to make our energy/time/money investment bear the fruit we expected of it. Parenting is more like an investment in the Greek economy than in Apple Computers: It doesn't make rational sense! Our kids do what our kids do. They are who they are and there is nothing we can do about it! This might ultimately be more cause for celebration than for worry, once we let go of our expectations and beliefs that we know what is best for them.

     Now here is the important part:

• How can you start enjoying your current role as parent of adult children more?
• How can you allow your grown children to find their own way without feeling you are to blame/be credited?
• How can you enjoy your grown kids for who they are and not who you thought they would be?

The answer my friend, is blowing in the wind.... and I know that you upon a little reflection will come up with just the right answers for you!



    

On problems, prep-work and painting...

   

  In the past I have tried painting the walls and the trim of my house. I would buy test paint, test it, select a color, buy the paint, the brushes, the rollers, the masking tape, the masking paper - move a few things out of the way and start painting! It worked beautifully for the first few minutes as I was rejoicing at the new color going up on my walls. Then invariably paint would spray on the floor in a place where I hadn't covered adequately. Down the ladder I would go to get a rag and water - mop it up... now there was a stain on the carpet. Then I would discover I had gotten the paint on the trim, the line between the ceiling and the wall was sloppy, my arms hurt, my back was killing me.... and I would have an end result that I was very unhappy with.

  During the last two re-models of our house I have been blessed to work with a team of painters that are state of the art. And every time it has annoyed me to no end how long they take getting going. I mean they move everything completely out of the house, put up masking tape, masking paper, plastic sheets, more paper, more plastic..... and finally after what seems like days of this, they finally get the paint out of the truck where it has been hiding. And before I know it they are done. And the result is flawlessly beautiful. Amazing. When you compare to the slop-job I was able to produce.

     And so I have realized that their amazing prep-job, the painstaking attention to detail before they even start, is what allows them the results that I was unable to get with my more hap-hazard methods!

     It is really like that when we decide to have a conversation with our boss/co-worker or someone in our family too. If we do not accurately assess the scope of the situation, we are likely to arrive at a half-mended, sloppy result. If we just jump into the conversation without really having thought about the scope of the issue, we are likely to have unfinished business, misunderstandings - virtual sloppy lines and messy floors!

     So the prep-work to having a meaningful and productive meeting/conversation can make all the difference. Sometimes without this prep work we end up talking about a situation from a much too superficial and one-sided perspective. We miss what might be at the core of the issue. And so we might have the "same conversation" over and over again without ever really getting it resolved.

Here are a couple of prep-work questions you might ask yourself in advance of your next important conversation. Questions like:

1. What is it that I really do not want to talk about/bring up?
2. What is really at the core of this issue?
3. What is my ideal outcome?
4. What is the other person(s)' ideal outcome?
5. How can we establish a win-win conversation?
6. What is our mutual benefit of finding a solution?

On the other side of such a conversation, might be the feeling of clarification and resolve you were hoping for. Just adequately defining what the problem is - could make all the difference.

Grass Always Greener Where?

     You know these people: There is never anything good about the situation in which they happen to be in presently. It will always be better when......or it would be better if only.... or they can't wait until.......They move around in their life looking either forward to things or reminiscing over events from the past. They exist in a space in constant oscillation between nostalgia for lost times and impatience about things to come!

     They move from relationship to relationship, from job to job, from place to place - and there is always something wrong that makes the "old times" appear idyllic - or a look forward to when things will be improved. They say things like: "I can't wait until I retire",  "I hate my job", "things were better in the old days", "people were smarter/better back when".

     And they find themselves stuck in this rat-race of present day reality. And since they are ever looking forward or backward - they find that this very moment is passing them by. And lo and behold a decade later they look back at how things were right now - and find it to be so much better than how things became. Retirement was not at all all it was cracked up to be, the next job or relationship was actually "worse", the town they moved to was either too big or too small - and disillusionment invariably sets in again and again.

     Recognize this? Well, I do believe we all have this tendency in our thought process from time to time. And without fail it is a sign to stop up and smell the roses - to realize that fantasizing about the past or longing for the future is not living. What once was and what is to come is merely memories or projections.

     So next time you encounter a "grass is always greener on the other side" person, or you find that tendency in yourself, just stop and notice that you are doing it. "I am now living in the past or the future". Then take a look at how you might be able to switch into action mode. What incentives can you do to bring your energy into the present moment? What is it about the past or what hope about the future is it that you miss in your current situation? How can you start bringing these lacking elements right into your present day reality? What is right about where you are at this very moment? And what can you do to change it to make it even better? What step(s) can you take right now?

     Before you know it you might find that instead of walking around looking over the fences of time to the pastures of past and future, you start watering the grass under your feet here and now. And who knows - the color green might be there right under your own feet!